EVMs… Do They Have It In Them!?

Finally! we have proof, the electronic revolution is making us smart and even the political class is starting to benefit. The Political parties in India have taken the initiative and decided to give it all the limelight by making it the culprit for their loss in the 2017 assembly election. I remember someone quoting an incident where a movie with a phenomenal cast and director didn’t do well and the entire blame was put on the story, and on inquiry of the script writer, Shakespeare had to be put on the stand. When the whole world is in turmoil because of the recent elections in UP, how can Shakespeare rest in peace!

So we had to ask the EVMs, does it hurt when people blame you for their losses in the elections. “Yes it does!” Came the emphatic reply, “especially if you have to go through so much before, during, and after elections. Firstly, before we are given an opportunity to serve the nation, we are made to go through such a fitness test that even the Army would never dream of. We are first infused with a chip that can only be programmed once. We are never permitted to socialize with any of our peers or go near the internet and accept any friend request. We get no rest and are made to undergo mock drills that too under the glaring eyes of the representatives of these political parties, who are there only to find faults. God forbid, even a small glitch can render us useless. This country has no pity for its handicapped. After such a rigorous regimen if you pass through to the elections, don’t think your ordeal is over. You are handcuffed (sealed) and kept in prison like conditions, one on top of the other, with armed guards outside. You can’t even breathe. Who the hell after so much torture can even think of uttering a lie. All we want to do is blurt out the count and run away, that is it!”

Oh! we all thought, that the EVMs were having a cushy time.  “No! please understand that we are not like these political parties, who rest their entire time and don’t perform even when tested. We are here to serve our nation, and what bigger disservice than to not execute what you are paid to do. If the people want to be fooled and want to go back to the old age of manual counting and spend more days glued to their TV screen to get the result then so be it.”

Climate Change Is The New Trend!

winter-solstice
On (apparently) the first day of Winter I have to say that ‘Winter’ is the new fashion of the season. It is unique in a way, that though it cannot be avoided, its effect can be blunted, even by just our believing that climate change is not for real. See the women attending all the marriages in their sarees and backless blouses, with no warm clothes to contradict of how hot they look. But, even if you believe that climate change is not real, our electricity bills sure are. We can find them increasing, paying the price of our higher AC usage, in its effort to keep us looking  cool. Our AC will be telling you this in the near future, when it finds its way to the cloud and will be part of internet of things, of how much demanding its job is becoming. It has to work for more days and also more hours each day. Anyway we may believe that the bills is too much of an effort to compare, and even our own feeling of the growing heat doesn’t matter, what is important is what President Trump says. If he says that climate change is hoax then it is, because I love his confidence in saying so. I love even more the way he calls everyone, who doesn’t toe his line, ‘nasty’ and ‘crooked’. In fact he is the real fashion. Even a cold country like Russia thinks he is hot. They may not follow him at home as they have no money for any fashion fads.  So what if they are poor, they still have the right to entertainment and if that involves pulling other people’s pants, through the novel use of computer codes, so be it. I don’t mind at all if all the debate about climate change becomes a fashion. I am only uncomfortable with it becoming a fad.

Waiting For The Earthquake!…

Delhi has been engulfed by fog, and the forecasts predict that this situation is likely to continue. The worst place affected has been the ‘Parliament House’ the fog doesn’t just exist outside but has found it’s way inside too. It has affected visibility and no one knows how to move forward. In a democracy, for the opposition to create some disruption is normal, but threatening to combine it with a natural calamity having catastrophic results is really a cause for concern. The opposition leader has threatened to cause an earthquake inside the parliament by merely being vocal about it. Since the onset of winter we have seen the opposition trembling, while standing outside the parliament wearing black ribbons on their arms. They have been holding hands to maintain their footing while bracing all those tremors. I think some of them were also trembling due to the cold, since coming all the way from the East ( don’t confuse if their state was called a west…) And the South, they aren’t used to it. The ruling elite has further added to their seasonal hardship by deciding to give them a cold shoulder. But I must admit that with opposition’s fresh vigor to make the Modi government aware of them missing their initial estimates, as regard to the black money not coming back to exchequer, has established my faith in the Indian democratic system. Only a friend would do so or may be a foolish opp……. Would it not have been a better option to let the government fail? After all it is only a matter of few days to 31 Dec’16 . Till then the opposition could have warmed themselves with their new-found friends from parties they frowned upon till date, and let the media take over the case. They are as it is working hard for the cause by burning fuel, finding empty ATMs and gullible crowds who can easily follow their lead by saying exactly what they hinted them to repeat. So what are we supposed to do? Just put the lights on, sit tight and enjoy the winter till it thaws.

Mamta Says ‘Coup!’, Army Says ‘Kyu!?’

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“Post truth” has been declared as the word of the year. We Indians had no role in the decision-making process and feel seriously marginalized. So we have voluntarily taken up the responsibility of now making it the word of the decade or maybe even the Century. And headlining this project are Mamta Banerjee with Arvind Kejriwal. Mamtaji has started a campaign of trying to make the Indian public lose their mind. Its initial partial success in her home state has given her false hopes that she can easily replicate it for the whole of India, while Media channels like NDTV have found another opportunity to increase their TRPs and help her spread this infection to the rest of the country. But luckily even the virus has a mind of its own. The minute it moves out of Bengal and breathes in fresh air, it transforms itself to humor, surprise, disbelief, anger and much more but nothing near its original avatar of being mindless as seen these days in Bengal. Can there be anything more bizarre than the idea of the Indian Army planning a coup in the state of Bengal as well as collecting money at various toll plaza’s. The only grain of truth I can find in this claim is the reality of the Army being poor. They have been featured in the news lately for demanding pension parity in OROP and pay parity with their civilian counterparts in the recently concluded pay commission. I know Mamtaji must feel paranoid if she believes that they are doing it to fund the coup. Out of the seven command headquarters of the army, one is located in Calcutta. Despite their presence in the area for such a long time, they haven’t been successful in rubbing off any of their ideology on the existing civilian establishment. For them their country comes first, then their comrades, and only after that will they ever think of themselves. How ironical, on one side Mamtaji is agitated that the people in her home state don’t have cash and on the other they are paying the army to fund a coup. I am sure they must be giving it through checks or through mobile wallets, which they have quickly adapted to, while she was spending time in Delhi, agitating. I can only say this, and with great conviction, that millions of Army personnel both serving and retired have been able to see through this post-truth politics being generated at their behest. I am also in awe of how easily Mamtaji has been able to educate so many on her brand of politics, in fact this is the best hit in the arm the ruling party has managed to get against the opposition till date, without even moving a finger.

Its Dizzy On The Top!

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Any one would believe that Mamata Ji was on a high, circling Delhi, but without fuel that’s totally unbelievable. She always reminds me of that old Maruti Ad with the punchline saying-“Petrol khatam hi nahi hunda”. I pity the ignorance of the pilot, he could have always borrowed some from her. I don’t think Maruti realizes that she could potentially be their best brand ambassador, but they must hurry, I am sure other companies like Map My India are also desperate to cash onto her prowess. She is all about women power, holding hands with Jaya Bachchan, trying to encircle Rabri Devi and then standing next to Kejriwal. Wondering why I put Kejriwal with a group of women? Ask any Dilli-wala and they will tell you just how they are managing this failed marriage with him, even though he doesn’t have any cosmetic value. Being a feminist I’m all for women power, but having said that, my thumbs-up is only reserved for the women of substance. Substance doesn’t mean changing the stand to any rhetoric you find convenient when you fail to get through with your main agenda. The TMC’s spokesperson on TV is a woman, all dolled up and portraying that all that matters is speaking fluent English and showing that the image of an angry young man (women) is not patented to any gender, yet again missing the point by describing the images of Army personnel in her state, doing just a routine exercise, as the beginning of a coup. Madam with all respect, please realize, the PM knows well enough that no resource and recourse is without an expiry date, and either the petrol will finish first or soon there will be nowhere to go.

Lets Keep ‘Look’-ing For What Matters!

punjab police
How can you fool the police? Very easy, become one of them. That is how some terrorists could enter the jail to help their colleagues escape, fooling the Punjab Police. Is it so easy or does it have something to do with the Punjab Police itself. If you are thinking about the competence of Police, no I did not mean that, I have no doubt that they are as equally competent as any of their counterparts in India. What I’m talking about is their appearance. Have you ever noticed how similar all Punjab police personnel are? To make you notice that, let me take your memories to the only Sikh news anchor of NDTV, Amitoj Singh. What makes him stand out is his turban color coordinated with all his other pieces of clothing. Otherwise if you cover yourself all over with clothes and what ever little is left with hair, how can you be differentiated! Of course, you would say there is also the question of physical features. Notice again this doesn’t work so well with Punjab Police either. The image comes to your mind when you think of them is high(tall), hairy, hefty, etc……… Now imagine how easy it would have been for terrorists to imitate them, with similar clothes, hair and also the turban. I can validate my claim further, have you seen the most notorious of this lot of terrorists who escaped, if not ,then you need to rewind or see a old newspaper clipping. Not realizing the consequences and thinking he will differentiate himself, he got his beard and hair cut. But this is what made it so easy to recognize him and he landed back to the place he ran from ! Though I know, many might want to discard my theory as absurd, because then we’ll have to settle the problem of who takes credit for the arrest. Having said all this, please don’t think this is always a disadvantage. Have you ever seen a Sunny Deol movie. He has always preferred to be casted in the role of a Punjab police officer, before he flies to a foreign land chasing what his job demands. There, what gives him a disadvantage in his homeland turns to a visible advantage. He is the only one visible everywhere, even when playing a cameo. Even Daniel Craig can suffer from a case of mistaken identity in a James Bond movie, but not him. When the world proudly says that an Indian with a turban can be found everywhere, it is because his appearance which really makes him stand out.

A Leopard Offering Us An Opportunity To Leap

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What did the leopard think, that he will not be spotted even though all the while he was wearing spotted. We humans have domesticated everything and as this leopard did not show any sign of domestication, there was no alternative. We always think in black and white, it’s either my way or no way. We can gang up and be very decisive, especially when it comes to showing our anguish. Why give a chance to the wild life officials to tranquillize the animal, when we have the perfect opportunity to vent our feeling without exhausting our brains! We also know better than to use and waste our brain when others are already doing the tedious task of thinking, and who can doubt the fact that in such a big crowd gathered to annihilate the poor creature, at least someone would be using their brain. But how did the leopard land up here amongst this mob of angry young men, on his way to the heavenly abode. I don’t believe the theory that he lost his way, if you do then try leaving your cat miles away and find her waiting for you when you reach home (What you don’t have a cat! Be innovative, find a neighbor with a cat!). The explanation that he wandered to find food appears to be more plausible. This incident has happened after 8th of November, I just hope it has nothing to do with the de-monetization policy. Oh how foolish of me! There could definitely not have been a connection, otherwise the opposition would have surely made it their priority to make it an issue. One more death due to demonetization and most would have believed it also, leaving no reason whatsoever to introspect what should be done differently to save the census of wild animals from depleting. Education for the masses is a distant dream, when we have no time away from politics, but surely the wildlife department staff can be trained to be quick in it’s response to help the straying wild animals witness some more hell here.