EVMs… Do They Have It In Them!?

Finally! we have proof, the electronic revolution is making us smart and even the political class is starting to benefit. The Political parties in India have taken the initiative and decided to give it all the limelight by making it the culprit for their loss in the 2017 assembly election. I remember someone quoting an incident where a movie with a phenomenal cast and director didn’t do well and the entire blame was put on the story, and on inquiry of the script writer, Shakespeare had to be put on the stand. When the whole world is in turmoil because of the recent elections in UP, how can Shakespeare rest in peace!

So we had to ask the EVMs, does it hurt when people blame you for their losses in the elections. “Yes it does!” Came the emphatic reply, “especially if you have to go through so much before, during, and after elections. Firstly, before we are given an opportunity to serve the nation, we are made to go through such a fitness test that even the Army would never dream of. We are first infused with a chip that can only be programmed once. We are never permitted to socialize with any of our peers or go near the internet and accept any friend request. We get no rest and are made to undergo mock drills that too under the glaring eyes of the representatives of these political parties, who are there only to find faults. God forbid, even a small glitch can render us useless. This country has no pity for its handicapped. After such a rigorous regimen if you pass through to the elections, don’t think your ordeal is over. You are handcuffed (sealed) and kept in prison like conditions, one on top of the other, with armed guards outside. You can’t even breathe. Who the hell after so much torture can even think of uttering a lie. All we want to do is blurt out the count and run away, that is it!”

Oh! we all thought, that the EVMs were having a cushy time.  “No! please understand that we are not like these political parties, who rest their entire time and don’t perform even when tested. We are here to serve our nation, and what bigger disservice than to not execute what you are paid to do. If the people want to be fooled and want to go back to the old age of manual counting and spend more days glued to their TV screen to get the result then so be it.”

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Waiting For The Earthquake!…

Delhi has been engulfed by fog, and the forecasts predict that this situation is likely to continue. The worst place affected has been the ‘Parliament House’ the fog doesn’t just exist outside but has found it’s way inside too. It has affected visibility and no one knows how to move forward. In a democracy, for the opposition to create some disruption is normal, but threatening to combine it with a natural calamity having catastrophic results is really a cause for concern. The opposition leader has threatened to cause an earthquake inside the parliament by merely being vocal about it. Since the onset of winter we have seen the opposition trembling, while standing outside the parliament wearing black ribbons on their arms. They have been holding hands to maintain their footing while bracing all those tremors. I think some of them were also trembling due to the cold, since coming all the way from the East ( don’t confuse if their state was called a west…) And the South, they aren’t used to it. The ruling elite has further added to their seasonal hardship by deciding to give them a cold shoulder. But I must admit that with opposition’s fresh vigor to make the Modi government aware of them missing their initial estimates, as regard to the black money not coming back to exchequer, has established my faith in the Indian democratic system. Only a friend would do so or may be a foolish opp……. Would it not have been a better option to let the government fail? After all it is only a matter of few days to 31 Dec’16 . Till then the opposition could have warmed themselves with their new-found friends from parties they frowned upon till date, and let the media take over the case. They are as it is working hard for the cause by burning fuel, finding empty ATMs and gullible crowds who can easily follow their lead by saying exactly what they hinted them to repeat. So what are we supposed to do? Just put the lights on, sit tight and enjoy the winter till it thaws.

Mamta Says ‘Coup!’, Army Says ‘Kyu!?’

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“Post truth” has been declared as the word of the year. We Indians had no role in the decision-making process and feel seriously marginalized. So we have voluntarily taken up the responsibility of now making it the word of the decade or maybe even the Century. And headlining this project are Mamta Banerjee with Arvind Kejriwal. Mamtaji has started a campaign of trying to make the Indian public lose their mind. Its initial partial success in her home state has given her false hopes that she can easily replicate it for the whole of India, while Media channels like NDTV have found another opportunity to increase their TRPs and help her spread this infection to the rest of the country. But luckily even the virus has a mind of its own. The minute it moves out of Bengal and breathes in fresh air, it transforms itself to humor, surprise, disbelief, anger and much more but nothing near its original avatar of being mindless as seen these days in Bengal. Can there be anything more bizarre than the idea of the Indian Army planning a coup in the state of Bengal as well as collecting money at various toll plaza’s. The only grain of truth I can find in this claim is the reality of the Army being poor. They have been featured in the news lately for demanding pension parity in OROP and pay parity with their civilian counterparts in the recently concluded pay commission. I know Mamtaji must feel paranoid if she believes that they are doing it to fund the coup. Out of the seven command headquarters of the army, one is located in Calcutta. Despite their presence in the area for such a long time, they haven’t been successful in rubbing off any of their ideology on the existing civilian establishment. For them their country comes first, then their comrades, and only after that will they ever think of themselves. How ironical, on one side Mamtaji is agitated that the people in her home state don’t have cash and on the other they are paying the army to fund a coup. I am sure they must be giving it through checks or through mobile wallets, which they have quickly adapted to, while she was spending time in Delhi, agitating. I can only say this, and with great conviction, that millions of Army personnel both serving and retired have been able to see through this post-truth politics being generated at their behest. I am also in awe of how easily Mamtaji has been able to educate so many on her brand of politics, in fact this is the best hit in the arm the ruling party has managed to get against the opposition till date, without even moving a finger.

Its Dizzy On The Top!

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Any one would believe that Mamata Ji was on a high, circling Delhi, but without fuel that’s totally unbelievable. She always reminds me of that old Maruti Ad with the punchline saying-“Petrol khatam hi nahi hunda”. I pity the ignorance of the pilot, he could have always borrowed some from her. I don’t think Maruti realizes that she could potentially be their best brand ambassador, but they must hurry, I am sure other companies like Map My India are also desperate to cash onto her prowess. She is all about women power, holding hands with Jaya Bachchan, trying to encircle Rabri Devi and then standing next to Kejriwal. Wondering why I put Kejriwal with a group of women? Ask any Dilli-wala and they will tell you just how they are managing this failed marriage with him, even though he doesn’t have any cosmetic value. Being a feminist I’m all for women power, but having said that, my thumbs-up is only reserved for the women of substance. Substance doesn’t mean changing the stand to any rhetoric you find convenient when you fail to get through with your main agenda. The TMC’s spokesperson on TV is a woman, all dolled up and portraying that all that matters is speaking fluent English and showing that the image of an angry young man (women) is not patented to any gender, yet again missing the point by describing the images of Army personnel in her state, doing just a routine exercise, as the beginning of a coup. Madam with all respect, please realize, the PM knows well enough that no resource and recourse is without an expiry date, and either the petrol will finish first or soon there will be nowhere to go.

Please Don’t Take A ‘Note’!

You know what the two most dirtiest things in the world are? Money and Door handles. They are believed to have the maximum germs. But why are we cribbing, when as part of the ‘Swachh Bharat Abhiyan’, Modi ji has told us to get rid of the dirty notes. I know the door handles are gonna be taken care of next. Or wait a second! Modi ji is too far-sighted, he already knows that in India, we have been using notes to open doors. So no notes means no more doors. What about votes? Notes and votes rhyme better than notes and doors, don’t they! Are people going to lose the incentive to vote now or is there going to be a new-found excitement to vote with clean hands. Do you understand now why opposition parties are cribbing? in addition to notes they also seem to have lost all hope for votes!
And as far as our favorite sport ‘Politics’ is concerned, it has also been taken care of by de-monetization. By the time de-monetization is over, the economy would have slowed, and everyone would have to slog their asses to get back, no time for playing politics. And if you think the world will be the same again soon, let me remind everyone that according to Modi ji this is just the first cat out of the bag. The others are waiting desperately to come out and trick the balance rats. So we can all soon look forward to have more cats and no rats. No wonder everyone in the opposition is scrambling to somehow bell the first cat!
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